When someone you love loses your trust and betrays you, it can become an insurmountable obstacle. But if you learn to move on after infidelity, your relationship can survive.
Here's how to continue the relationship after treason, restore lost confidence and return everything to the right direction.
Learn to be grateful
Regardless of what happened in your marriage, the ability to be grateful for everything will lay the foundation for positive transformations.
If you feel absorbed in betrayal and despair, take time to focus on the positive things that have given you a relationship. Think about everything that you value in your soul mate. After a few minutes of similar refocusing, pay attention to what is changing inside you.
Accept all your feelings and emotions.
When you are in pain, you can blame, run, fight, judge, or explain. If you can stop and fully immerse yourself in your emotions, feel your heartache, pushing away all thoughts and arguments, you will see how much begins to change.
Note: If you have a mental illness or a serious emotional disturbance, use this practice only with the assistance of a licensed therapist.
Define your goal
When you hurt, you tend to think about the problem. Constant concentration on the problem can only increase the pain. It will be better if you can focus on the solution you are looking for. Then you can find the path to the answers.
Develop a deep level of emotional intimacy.
Infidelity is often not related to sex. Rather, it is about the lack of intimacy and unmet needs. To start a new life after treason, you must learn to be more emotionally intimate with your man. This can be achieved by spending more time together, communicating and doing many things in your life together.
In other words, you have to take risks and be open. Give your partner a chance to get close to you.
Do many things together
Couples who spend time together and have common interests recover from infidelity much faster and more efficiently than those who live different lives. Discover or re-start the tradition of doing things. For example, spending time together for a common hobby.
Form a vision of the past and the future
One of the ways couples can learn to move on after treason is to remember when and how they first met / got married. How did you fall in love? Why did you get married? What did the relationship look like at the very beginning?
Now think about the future you dreamed together - perhaps enjoy the golden years of retirement, travel, play with your grandchildren, enjoy family affairs. Develop an idea about these things and how nice it is to share it with the person you love the most - the person you married.
Bring your feelings back to normal
You are angry with your man, and at the same time you are overwhelmed with painful thoughts about yourself. You are wondering who you are and what it means for your man, whether you were to blame for what he has changed for you. And if so, then perhaps you have begun to doubt your attractiveness and lose your self-esteem.
Reading books or blogs on this topic can help you understand what is a normal emotional reaction in response to revealed treason.
Ask about what you need to know
How long did your man’s relationship last? How many men lied to you to hide treason, and how much money was spent? Is there any risk of pregnancy for a mistress?
Do not ask for details that you do not need to know.
You may want to know the details of your man's sexual contacts, or ask your him to compare you with the one with whom he had an affair. We strongly advise: do not do this! Focus on your relationship, not on your mistress.
Postpone final decisions
It may take a long time to understand what led your relationship to a similar crisis and where to go next. Your first impulse is probably not the wisest. Try to postpone the final decisions until you start thinking more soberly.
Curb the initial shock
Allow the initial wave of shock, pain, fear and grief to thicken, and then break, as the sea wave breaks on the rocks. Wait for this initial stage to pass before trying to figure out what to do in response to your new reality. Impulsive wrathful actions can exacerbate an already bleak situation.
As a couple, use infidelity to build immunity, which further allows you to cope with difficulties in the relationship. Looking back at what happened, determine your action path and make a list of each step that led both of you to a critical situation in a relationship. Then write down what each of you would like to do differently at each stage, if you could go back. This will allow you to understand your mistakes and be safe if something like this happens in the future.
Start a new relationship, even better than before.
Complete a relationship course. It usually starts with helping you identify weaknesses in your relationship and then strengthening them for your future happiness. The stronger your skills with a man to communicate on sensitive issues, the less likely you are to break up or let anger cracks lead to resentment or quarrels.
Listen to each other in turn, even when it hurts.
Agree to listen to each other. The speaker should speak briefly and allow the listener to rephrase what he or she heard. Often, the listener hears only part of what has been said. Repeat what was missed and check if you understood correctly before moving on to the next item.
Tell the truth as fully as possible.
Wrong spouse can share thoughts and feelings that led to his betrayal. This will help you to understand the main problems encountered in the relationship. You in turn can also acknowledge your mistakes, which could lead to treason.
Mourn the situation together
Even if you decided to stay together, much light in the relationship after the betrayal was irretrievably lost: your sincere belief that you will be faithful to each other and so on. Everything you create will be different. Mourning the loss of a relationship together, you can say goodbye to your past dreams and make room for your future.
Be prepared to work on yourself and relationships.
Healing after treason will be difficult. If you want to save a relationship, you will have to work seriously.
You will feel offended, angry, and sometimes you will not be able to cope with emotions. Your man should accept your emotion, saying: "Of course, you feel offended, I ruined everything." The emotional consequences of infidelity can heal for years.
Seek professional help
Find a specialist who specializes in treason. Undoubtedly, there is a reason for the betrayal. You both need help to identify it and understand the basic unmet needs in a relationship and how to fix it.
If you knew how to fix your problems, you would have done it. Instead, let a professional help you build a more mutually beneficial relationship.
Both of you can do this only by confirming your words with actions. If you say, “I love you,” reinforce it with loving actions. If your man says, “I want our relationship to work,” he should stop any outside communication and devote himself to the relationship. There is nothing worse than finding out that you are not honest.
Stop denying everything
The person who has committed treason must openly admit the incorrectness of his actions. He must be truthful, honest and willing to compromise and make concessions.
You both must fight for your family and be ready to do whatever is necessary to save your marriage. This is crucial in trying to regain the trust that has been so broken.
Ask for help
Everyone in a pair must work on himself, and if necessary, with a psychologist. Find a specialist who will help you not only on a mental, but also on a spiritual level. This will help you understand yourself and restore your marriage.
Start from scratch
Forgive each other and give each other time to heal. Release old thoughts and try to get rid of thoughts of betrayal. A man must now try to be faithful to you, honest with you and faithful in marriage.
A good idea is to start communicating with those who have been married for a long time and can share with you what makes their marriage successful.