Michel Weiner Davis - one of the therapists of Boder, Colorado, often hears the excuses of his patients: “It was just sex, you have nothing to do with it! This means nothing!". She works with couples who are on the verge of divorce, and says that unfaithful husbands and wives often think that such statements can defuse the situation or even let you go dry. But, according to her, in reality, they can only aggravate the situation.
By making it clear that the love affair is in no way connected with your partner, you are hurting him. After all, this means that you did not take it into account when you decided to have an affair on the side. And this makes a person feel that you do not need him, is not important, and that you do not love him.
The guilty have a reason to say that.
They utter similar phrases because there is truth in it. It is hard to believe, but most people, at the time of adultery, do not even think about their spouses or partners. They are controlled by hormones and lust, an inner sense of desolation and irresistible attraction. Therefore, the expression "It did not mean anything" from their point of view makes sense: "I destroyed everything because of a trifle." Usually, betrayers try to convince that they never intended to leave their spouses and children for the sake of lovers. But this is the least that can be justified. From the outside it looks like: “Yes, I cheated on you, but it could be worse.”
The cheater must try to understand the pain that he caused as if he himself had been in the same position.
You must show that you are ready to receive all that the affected partner deems worthy of you. Suppose you do not even agree with the state of affairs, but you must realize that nothing that you say will in any way reduce pain and bitterness, except for a feeling that will allow the partner to feel heard.
As soon as some of the pain is suppressed, Madden recommends that her customers put it as it is, clean. She says that taking responsibility for the pain that both of you is going through is of great importance in restoring trust in a relationship.
It may seem illogical from the outside, but you must demonstrate that you are fully aware that your selfish act hurt your partner. With this act, you save your partner from having to prove to you with shouts, anger or something else that he has the right to be offended.
Be sincere when discussing the reason for your treason, dispensing with petty excuses. If you wanted to feel the taste of life again, and adultery was a means of realization, then just say so. Your betrayal lasted a long time - behave as if it was the one and only time.
As soon as you explain, admit that it was stupid and selfish. If you did not realize, then because of ordinary lust, you destroyed everything that you have long and stubbornly created, everything that you cherish so much, consider your act the biggest mistake in life. Tell your husband about it.