We compromise when we don’t want it. We do not speak the truth, and then we take offense at the people we love. “We are so lucky, we are so lucky that we found each other,” we say to each other through gritted teeth and disperse at our corners, getting angry inside each other.
Here are three situations in which we often lie to each other, and examples of what needs to be done instead. Despite the fact that a lie may seem like a good idea in this case, to spare the feelings of another person, in reality, it slowly poisons your relationship with quiet, insidious indignation.
Lie number 1: “Everything is in order. True!"
No, it is not. If everything was good, you would not mumble to yourself and gnash your teeth in the corner. But you really don't want this conversation.
You can ignore such moments, because you hate quarrels and showdowns. So much so that they are ready to keep saying for days: “I'm fine, I swear, just leave me alone, and everything will be fine!”
The correct alternative: “This problem really bothers me. Let's talk about it in the evening, after work, at about six. ” So, see?
Plan a time that suits you, but do it as soon as possible. And then, the problem is not who is to blame. Never start a conversation with "I can not believe that you are such a jerk." As you put off the conversation, your emotions should be a little more restrained than before.
Start a conversation with "it hurts me when ...". Because, let's be honest with ourselves - we do not forget when they hurt us. But when we do not pronounce our offense, we return to our normal state only after a while. And then everything happens again and again. And suddenly it turns out that the two of you are already just roommates, who barely speak and sleep in the opposite corners of the bed.
Lie number 2: "Whatever you want, I do not care"
Sometimes this may be true. In other cases, you simply do not want to have a conversation that would follow after you express your desires. Maybe you want sushi for dinner, not pizza, as suggested by your man. Or do you really want to see your parents during the winter holidays, but did not tell your partner about it. And then you spend the New Year holidays in the company of his family, washing down his resentment with lots of alcohol. Whatever it is, you are depriving a man of the opportunity to give you what you want, denying that you have a desire.
The correct alternative: “I really want to visit my parents in the New Year. How can we do this?"
Tell him what you want. And then take the time to negotiate. Maybe you will spend the New Year apart, but you will meet Christmas together. Whatever it is, everything will be better than counting the number of times you passively did what he wanted, accumulating it in the form of grievances, which then lead to a scandal. As already mentioned in the first paragraph, we do not forget about it. Instead we diverge.
Lie number 3: "Of course, I want to spend more time with you, dear!"
“Let's just go to the cinema” (so that we don’t have to talk to each other). It may well be that cinemas get 90 percent of the profits precisely because people are tired of each other, but are forced to make joint outlets.
The correct alternative is: “I would not mind a bit of free personal space tonight. I'm not angry with you, but I just need to be alone (or with a friend). "
Learn to say this little thing, it can change everything in your relationship. Seriously. Practice at the mirror. Taking into account someone else's personal space and allowing yourself to miss your partner, each time you just strengthen your feelings (and make sex better).
So do it. Start right now by giving up the lie. And encourage your partner to do the same. It makes a huge difference to your future together.