4 true culprits, why we choose the men who destroy us


The reasons why we love emotionally inaccessible men are not just associated with emotions and psychology - they are completely “biochemical”.

The fact is that our brain can be rebuilt to focus on people who do not suit us. Emotionally inaccessible men, toxic partners - they all have certain characteristics that cling to us. We can become addicted to the ups and downs that occur in a dangerous romantic relationship so much so that breaking up with a toxic person will be like rehabilitating a drug addict from a destructive addiction.

Have you ever wondered why you did not manage to let go of that man who treated you ambiguously and unfairly, giving rise to terrible insecurity in you, intoxicating you with sweet talk? Unfortunately, for women who are attracted to such partners, their dependence on them actually increases because of their cruel attitude towards them.

Gap and affection often go hand in hand in such violent relationships when a partner confuses you with his ambiguous messages. Breaking up with such a person can literally break you. This is not surprising, because the state of your brain during a break fully reflects the state of your brain when you are experiencing physical pain. A break with a toxic person who has mistreated you throughout the entire period of your relationship only aggravates this effect, and it becomes much harder to recover from it.

Here are a few basic chemicals and hormones that create a powerful cocktail of reactions that affect attachment, and all that is associated with questionable behavior. They have nothing to do with the virtues of the person with whom you meet.


Positive impressions - unforgettable dates, excessive attention, flattery, stunning sex, gifts and grandiose romantic gestures - all this helps to release dopamine to the brain. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that controls the area of ​​our brain that is responsible for pleasure. In this area, reward schemes are formed, which then generate automatic associations in our brain, equating feelings to our beloved with feelings of pleasure and even survival.

When a toxic man does not give us what we need in a relationship, it makes us yearn for good times and continue to invest in relationships, like a player at a gaming machine who hopes to make tangible profits despite the inevitable loss of such risky investments.

The experience of “frustration-attraction” among various obstacles in a romantic relationship actually only strengthens our love feelings, and does not interfere with them. The state of the brain of those who are in an unfavorable toxic relationship becomes like two peas in a pod like a cocaine-dependent brain.

Emotionally inaccessible men literally do everything on their own schedule. They can disappear for a few days, they can have many lovers on the side, they can constantly look after you, hiding their marital status from you.

A person who leaves us at a loss for his next appearance in our life, unpredictable in his actions and actions, becomes for us subconsciously much more attractive. Therefore, the “positive man” becomes less interesting than the one who first traps you in good dates, and then also treats you badly, disappearing, giving false promises, showing that strong affection, then sudden rejection and cold attitude to you.

It’s a paradox, but our body begins to torture itself in search of the very people who hurt us. Our brain is so accustomed to the good attitude of reliable men that it ceases to release the right amount of dopamine.


Let's not forget how we get close to such partners through the power of touch. Physical intimacy allows women in dysfunctional relationships to uncontrollably release oxytocin, which is very accurately called the “love hormone” or “cuddle hormone”. This is the same hormone that is released in large quantities in the body of a woman who has just given birth to switch her attention from pain to emotional attachment to a baby. Similarly, he connects you with those men who do not deserve you.

Oxytocin not only increases affection, but also increases confidence. Thus, deception of a toxic partner will not prevent us from blindly trusting him, especially if we are physically connected with him.

Cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine

Emotionally inaccessible partners cause surges in our cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine levels. And these hormones are responsible for our attitude to stressful situations and the “beat or run” reaction.

Oxytocin, adrenaline, and cortisol interact in order to consolidate and reunite all memories based on fear. Thus, your fears and anxiety for breaking with such a partner in combination with your physical intimacy with him make the memories associated with this person brighter and more difficult to release from them.

This is why a couple who rides a roller coaster or experiences a life-threatening event together is usually even more closely related.


When we fall in love, we become literally possessed. The level of serotonin in the period of love decreases as well as in people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Since serotonin regulates and stabilizes mood, curbs obsessive thinking, you can imagine how its low level almost nullifies our ability to make constructive decisions.

Low levels of serotonin also increase sexual desire, so serotonin only increases the likelihood that we will destroy the connection based on oxytocin and dopamine.

That is why you usually cling to any message, looking forward to the next phone call or fantasizing about the next date, even if it is with someone obviously not suitable for you. Toxic men dominate our subconscious 24/7 with their unpredictable behavior, as well as with their love attacks, so it’s not surprising that we are developing illogical, irrational compulsion to return to the very people who have hurt us.

Brain reboot

Although our brain definitely reflects not in our favor when it comes to emotionally inaccessible partners, this does not at all mean that our brain cannot be reprogrammed into positive changes.

Neuroplasticity allows our brain to create new neural connections in productive ways, such as exercise, healthy social connections, music, new hobbies, interests and passions. The key to healing from addiction to toxic men is to replace this “harmful medicine” with more useful rewards — those that really protect and nourish us, and not those that starve us, forcing us to look for new portions of crumbs of attention.