I have been married for 13 years. And for all these 13 years, I have been in a constant struggle, an invisible battle and an unequal contest. I struggle with my own husband. When we got married, Vanya was handsome, broad-shouldered, easy-going, carried heavy bags to the apartment, wiped the dishes after dinner and even sometimes cooked a simple lunch. And we shared the cleaning - part of his duties, part of mine. Vanya worked two jobs — one on the night shift; he dreamed of building his own house and going to rest in the Philippines. There was a goal, Vanya had a desire and, clenching his fists, he moved towards his desires.
The more time we were in the status of a husband and wife, and we acquired common children, the more Vanya was changing, and far from being the best. For 10 years he has been sitting as a security guard in a supermarket, not wanting to look for anything else - and what, this is a convenient job, shift, and you don’t need to do anything special. Salary, respectively, received a penny, spending mainly on themselves. Dreams of owning a house have sunk into oblivion, as well as holidays in the Philippines. Vanya did not clean up the dishes, left dirty clothes in the corners of the apartment, called me and demanded dinner if I was late at work, and had no idea how the washing machine turned on. Vanya did not want anything and lived as he was comfortable, without straining at all with his wife and children.
We cursed a lot, clarified relations, made claims to each other and each time did not find a way out of the situation. As it turned out, my husband was satisfied with everything, and that which does not suit me, as they say, is my problem. Several times I seriously thought about filing for a divorce, once I even took the children and went to live in a rented apartment, but could not stand it even two weeks, returned back to hungry Van, a dirty apartment and an empty refrigerator.
Deep down, I knew that I loved my husband, whatever he was. I recalled a time when we were young and had just met, our first dates and courtship, a wedding, and the beginning of family life. I myself justified him and found an explanation for his infantilism and helplessness. It was as if two people were fighting in me - one was ready to file a petition for divorce right now, and the other thought that we were connected with too much to her husband, and it would be too difficult to cut it all off.
I still live with Vanya and also work like an ox, tidy up, cook and stroke, checking lessons for children in the intervals, and still torment myself with the question - am I doing the right thing? And, apparently, I will never find a solution to this issue ...